Why does everyone want to date themselves?

“Opposites attract”, the age-old saying goes. But today, many dating app users are unashamed about their preference for a partner who is just like them. It’s becoming increasingly common to see Hinge profiles which state that they’re looking for “a padel partner and someone to watch A24 movies with”, as though that’s not a ludicrously niche set of criteria. Meanwhile, on Bumble, it’s possible to filter profiles by interests; if you want to, you can exclusively see users who are interested in crocheting, pizza, and true crime. “Find exactly what you want,” reads the tagline on one of their recent ads promoting their “advanced” range of filters. 

Obviously, some common ground is likely necessary for a successful long-term relationship. But while it’s fair enough to veto someone because you find their political beliefs morally repugnant, is it really a good idea to reject someone just because they’re not part of a tennis team or have never read a Sally Rooney novel? And with dating apps offering us the ability to filter out profiles based on the most arbitrary reasons, are we in danger of only ever dating people exactly like ourselves? 

Admittedly, birds of a feather have always flocked together. In the 20th century, most couples met through friends, family, or their local community, making it likely for couples to come from similar socioeconomic, ethnic, or religious backgrounds. Arguably it’s human nature to be attracted to people like ourselves too: one landmark 20th-century study by psychologist Donn Byrne found that the more we have in common with someone, the more likely we are to be attracted to them. Byrne put this down to the fact that most of us have a need for a consistent view of the world, making us more likely to gravitate towards people who agree with us and validate our opinions and reject people who challenge our worldview and consequently inspire feelings of anxiety and confusion in us.

Dating apps initially promised to expand our dating pools by allowing us to meet people from outside of our immediate social circles – but according to Dr Julia Carter, a senior lecturer in sociology at the University of the West of England, we’re still seeking partners who are just like us. “The conditions of dating have changed, the ideals and preferences less so,” she says. She adds that with the “endless choice” offered to us by the apps, we feel compelled to “give ourselves some parameters for who we should actually date.” More often than not, this means looking for people who appear similar to us.

While this sounds harmless in theory, it can lead to social siloing – especially as Dr Carter points out that hobbies can often act as a class signifier (wealthier people are more likely to list ‘skiing’ as an interest on their dating profiles, for example). “Historically, you would be expected to marry someone of a similar class,” she says. “Nowadays we think of ourselves as freed from these constraints, but we are not. We are still clearly searching for partners who are ‘like us’.”

Many people approach dating with a mindset of finding someone who effortlessly fits into their life, rather than embracing the compromises and changes that come with building a relationship together

Dr Jenny van Hooff, senior lecturer in sociology at Manchester Metropolitan University, says this is a “concerning” trend. “Dating app users may subconsciously avoid matches from different social class backgrounds or ethnicities, reinforcing social divides,” she says. Her concern is not unfounded: recent research suggests that dating apps could actually be making us more likely to date within our socioeconomic bracket compared to the mid-20th century, with a 2024 study finding that at least half of the rise in income inequality between 1980 and 2020 is attributable to changing preferences in the online dating scene, with people increasingly able (and likely) to marry someone like themselves.

Dating people who are uncannily similar to us is not only inhibiting social mobility – it’s also precluding us from finding fulfilling relationships. As Dr van Hooff says, “the overemphasis on sameness in dating apps narrows opportunities and can lead to dismissing potentially meaningful connections,” pointing to Esther Perel’s view that eroticism often thrives on difference. “While shared hobbies or interests can initially bring couples together, they don’t eliminate the challenges of building a relationship,” she continues. “While shared interests can be an initial point of connection, they are not a guarantee of emotional or physical compatibility.”

23-year-old Sihaam met her partner of three years while living in the same London flatshare. They don’t have many shared interests: while her partner is into outdoorsy activities such as football, gardening, and hiking, Sihaam is much more into hobbies like crafting, cooking, and writing. “When we first started dating, we knew our interests and instincts didn’t really match up. But it’s somehow more romantic when you take the time to show up for your partner and learn something new,” she explains, adding that she has discovered new interests thanks to her partner. “I started going to more women’s football games [because of my partner] and found a new community through that,” she says.

Joe, 28, has also dated people who are very different to him. “We were totally different people,” he says, recalling his past relationship with a woman named Cindy. While Cindy liked “pottery and the theatre”, Joe was more interested in “movies, video games and current affairs”. But they still made it work. “We both enjoyed each other’s company and talking about music, the one thing we had in common.” While the relationship eventually came to an end, Joe doesn’t necessarily think this was because of their lack of common ground. “I once dated someone for two years who had my exact same interests,” he recalls. But, he says, their similarities were not enough to sustain a relationship. “Date nights become more akin to Saturdays with the boys. At that point you may as well be sleeping with your mates.”

Evidently, not everyone is looking to date a carbon copy of themselves – but perhaps it’s unsurprising that so many people are, given the insidious rise of individualism in modern society and culture. In recent years, wellness culture, with its dogged emphasis on ‘self-love’, has encouraged us to “protect our peace” at all costs, often by adhering to strict routines with saintlike commitment. It tracks, then, that people are keen to find partners who slot into their lives with absolutely zero friction or compromise whatsoever. But that’s hardly conducive to romance, which will always be a game of give and take. “I think social media has fed into unrealistic expectations that ‘the one’ will magically like everything you like and hate everything you hate. It’s not that simple,” Joe says. “You don’t want your life to be an echo chamber.”

“There is a degree of narcissism in seeking a partner who mirrors oneself,” Dr van Hooff adds. “Many people approach dating with a mindset of finding someone who effortlessly fits into their life, rather than embracing the compromises and changes that come with building a relationship together. But there are no shortcuts to creating a lasting, meaningful connection.” With this in mind, maybe we’d all do well to heed the advice given to Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character in 500 Days of Summer by his 12-year-old sister (potentially one of the most sage characters to ever grace the silver screen): “Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do, doesn’t mean she’s your soulmate.”