How to date when... they’re older than you

If you’ve spent much time on the internet lately, you’ll have likely caught glimpses of the ever-raging debate around age-gap dating. The scrutiny on relationships where there’s an age gap is intense; the clickbait is clickable, and the discourse can be synapse-curdling. A 40-year-old dating a 30-year-old is abuse, one teenager with Ariana Grande as their profile picture will proclaim. Actually, men are biologically wired to want to date young women, a thrice-divorced misogynist with a beet-red face will reply.

In the real world, though, it happens! Adults date other adults; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Love and attraction are peculiar forces and it’s not much use arguing with them. Sure, sometimes older people seek out younger partners for purely sinister reasons and it should be legal to put these people in cages and pelt them with hard fruits. But sometimes it’s not that! Sometimes it’s lovely and sexy and other good and life-giving things. So, if you are a person who is dating – or wants to date – someone quite a bit older than yourself, here’s my advice for doing so in as straightforward a way as possible.

First, be prepared to be on the receiving end of harsh judgement and unsolicited advice: some people will never believe that an age-gap romance could be anything other than icky. To those people, say nothing. Preserve your peace and your joy. Ask yourself: is it more important to win approval from strangers or to be happy, following your own desires and best instincts towards the potential of a good relationship? If the latter, be prepared to hear and discard any cheap jibes about parental issues or gold-digging. It’s a narrow view of love and compatibility to decide that it can only exist between two people born within the same calendar year, so try not to engage with the blanket bad faith critiques.

That said, don’t ice out your loved ones if they have some questions for you. A lot of concern about age-gaps focuses on the idea that the younger partner may be less world-wise and less schooled in healthy dating dynamics and therefore more vulnerable to being taken advantage of. If one of your friends seems concerned, it’s likely that they’re just keen to look out for you. But just because some age-gap relationships are predatory doesn’t mean they all are, and you should try to explain this to any close friends who raise eyebrows at your choice of partner. Talk to them about the person you’re seeing, the parts of the relationship that feel really promising, the ways that you align and the ways that you differ.

Just because some age-gap relationships are predatory doesn’t mean they all are

Within the relationship, it’s important not to make assumptions about where your lives are at or what you’re looking for. It could well be that your interests, values and desires are genuinely very closely matched with theirs. It may be that what you want from this chapter of your life is aligned to what they want, whether that’s a bit of fun, two kids, a Labrador and a cottage in Stroud or partnering up to shag your way through every sex club in Europe. But being sure of this does require asking, telling and being very upfront about what you’re looking for. Have the conversation early and try not to adjust or play down your own desires to better suit theirs – nobody wins when you do this.

Try to enjoy the ways that you’re different from one another, too. It’s not all blank stares, missed jokes and “I don’t think I was born then”. It can actually be great having different cultural references, different perspectives, and different understandings about who is in the Sugababes. Find where your tastes overlap and where they differ and have fun figuring out how to unite them.

Do watch out for red flags though: like an older partner who’s overly preoccupied with the age gap, whether that looks like outsized feelings of shame and embarrassment, or uncomfortable and repeated references to how horny they are about your youth. It’s fine if you both find it a bit of a sexy novelty, but perhaps not so fine if it’s all they seem able to focus on. Plus, if you feel compelled to perform maturity to keep an older partner interested, ask yourself if you really feel as though you have solid foundations for a long-term relationship.

Ultimately, if you’re happy, safe and feeling fulfilled then that’s where most conversations about your relationship should end. Maybe it’ll last forever and maybe it won’t, but life is simply not long enough to date entirely sensibly. So, if you’re in a cross-generational relationship: be open to all eventualities, communicate well, talk to your support network and enjoy yourself. Oh, and probably mute the term “age gap” on X.